The Haircut
by Yoru no Kuronue
Summary: Well...Sephiroth has long hair. And he likes it. But Reno wants to cut it, which leads to crashing helicopters, Boy Scout knives, and people getting what they want... SephixVincexCloud, RenoxRude total crack


Disclaimer: I don't own anything I write about here except maybe the idea of cutting Sephy's hair. I stick my tongue out at disclaimers for the simple reason that I hate them. 

Yoru: Hello! I am Yoru. I am a strange person who loves to write one-shots that are usually angsty and miserable, but this one is a little…different.

Kuronue: A little?

Yoru: …okay, a lot. In fact, a lot a lot. A lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot…

Kuronue: We get it. On to the fic.

"Ohhhhhhhh…the world is green and pretty, and so is my nice hair! It's long and silver and shiny and bright, and you can see it from anywhere!" Sephiroth sang unmusically. Cloud winced.

"Look, I know you like your hair, but could you refrain from singing about it?"

"Is there something wrong with my singing?" Sephiroth asked, pouting. Cloud shrugged.

"No…if you like something that sounds like a bunch of chinchillas getting caught by the lawn mower."

Sephiroth thought for a moment, and then his eyes narrowed, "And you would know what that sounds like, how? Have you recently mowed down a group of poor, innocent chinchillas?"

"No, you moron. It's just an analogy."

"Oh. Well." Sephiroth sighed and started humming. Cloud opened his mouth to stop him before…

"Pretty hair, pretty hair, pretty as today! Silver shiny bright nice hair that's never in the way! Hey!"

"Anything but Jingle Bells. Please. God, I can't believe that you got Vincent."

"VINCENT?!? WHERE?!?" Sephiroth fell over and went into spasms of joy at the mere mention of his boyfriend's name. Cloud watched wearily as Sephiroth twitched on the ground.

"He's not around. I was just expressing my amazement that he chose you over me." Cloud sat beside the still-twitching Sephiroth and put his head in his hands.

At that moment, a helicopter flew overhead.

"Hey! It's Cloud and Sephiroth! Hey guys!"

Cloud groaned as Reno leaped down to the ground beside him…from the pilot's seat. Rude lunged for the helicopter's controls and grabbed them before the copter could crash.

"RENO YOU FOOL! WHEN I GET DOWN THERE I'M GONNA KNOCK YOUR **BLEEP**ING BLOCK OFF!" he yelled. Reno scratched his head.

"Right. Anyway. You know what I think Sephiroth needs?"

Cloud shrugged, "A brain?"

"A haircut." Reno looked so proud of himself that Cloud hated to contradict him.

"Uh. Well. Erm. Sephiroth won't be too happy about that. He just got done singing about how great his hair is…"

"I know one person who could convince him to let us cut it."

"Really? Who?"

"Vin…"

"DON'T SAY THAT NAME!" Cloud screamed, pouncing on Reno's head and stuffing a gag in his mouth. Which just brought Rude down onto Cloud's head, and therefore the helicopter crashed and exploded into a million tiny fragments.

"NO ONE GAGS RENO BUT ME WHEN WE'RE…"

"MMMMMPH!" Reno jumped on Rude's head and pounded him into the ground. Cloud, knocked over, stared.

"When you…what?" he asked shakily. Reno pulled the gag out.

"When we…er…eat! That's it, when we eat!"

"He gags you when you eat?" Cloud blinked, and then suddenly screamed and grabbed his head.

"OH MY GOD! THE IMAGES! THE IMAGES!!!" he shrieked. Sephiroth, with one final twitch, sat up and crawled over to Cloud.

"What images?" he asked innocently. Cloud pointed a shaky finger at Reno and a flattened Rude.

"Of…them…"

"Them what?"

"Them…them…doing…IT…"

"What's IT?"

Cricket. Cricket.

"Oh, never mind." Cloud sighed and smacked the top of Sephiroth's head. Sephiroth yelped and moved away quickly. Reno shook his head.

"So, about the haircut…"

"HAIRCUT!?!" Sephiroth screeched. Cloud sighed.

"Look at your hair, Sephiroth. Don't you think it needs it?"

"NO! NOT MY PRETTY HAIR!" Sephiroth pulled out his sword and held it at the ready, "Don't touch my hair. Or I will slice and dice you into tiny pieces."

"Sephiroth…"

"What's going on?" Vincent had just come out of absolutely nowhere. Sephiroth dropped his sword and jumped his boyfriend. They promptly started making out. Cloud sighed.

"They'll be at it for hours," he grumbled. Reno cocked his head.

"Well then, maybe now's the time to try and cut Sephy's hair. You know, while he's…distracted…"

"Oh, this is going to be fun," Rude muttered. Reno pulled out his Boy Scout knife. Cloud eyed it dubiously.

"Why do you have a Boy Scout knife?" he asked. Reno gave him a look that suggested he found the question utterly ridiculous.

"Because I'm a Boy Scout. Duh." He rolled his eyes and pulled the little scissors from the body of the knife, slowly advancing on the passionate couple on the ground. Cloud and Rude held their breaths as Reno lifted a lock of hair and closed the scissors down on it.

Nothing happened.

Not even a dent.

Reno frowned and tried again.

Nothing.

Reno growled.

"What is this stuff made of?" he howled. Cloud came over and felt it.

"It feels like hair…" he mused. Reno pulled a little magnifying glass out of his knife.

"It has the right texture. Hmmm."

"Very strange."

"What are you guys doing?" a perplexed voice asked from below them. They looked down.

"Well, you see, Sephiroth, we thought we'd take a look at this hair you love so much and see why you like it," Cloud said before Reno had a chance to put Sephiroth in kill mode. Sephiroth blinked.

"Do you like it?"

"Yeah, of course. What's it made of?" Cloud asked innocently. Sephiroth arched an eyebrow.

"Um…hair?"

"Yeah right!" Reno shouted suddenly. Everyone turned to him. He held aloft his scissors. Cloud shook his head frantically, but to no avail.

"I tried to cut it with these stainless steel scissors, and…" he suddenly quailed. Sephiroth was advancing on him slowly and menacingly.

"You. Tried. To. Cut. My. Hair?!?" Sephiroth shouted. Reno hid behind Rude.

"Well…er…Cloud did!" He pointed a shaky finger at Cloud, whose mouth dropped open in shock.

"Me? Why would I want to cut Sephiroth's hair? I love Sephiroth's hair. Don't I, Vincent?" Cloud plastered a huge smile on his face and made sure Reno could see all of his teeth, a sure warning in the animal kingdom.

"I don't know. Last time I checked, you hate most fibers of Sephiroth's being because I chose him over you." Only Vincent could say this so bluntly with a face totally devoid of emotion. Cloud's smile dropped a couple of centimeters.

"Cloud…you…you hate me?" Sephiroth squeaked, tears filling his eyes. Cloud smacked his forehead.

"I don't hate you. And I don't want to cut your hair."

"Really?"

"Really." Cloud was bowled over as Sephiroth glomped him. Vincent knelt next to them.

"Do you like my hair, Cloud?" he asked. Cloud eyed him.

"Yes…" he said suspiciously. Vincent smiled slightly.

"I like yours. Why don't the three of us with beautiful hair go off somewhere a little more…private?" he asked seductively. Cloud stared at him and gulped.

"Do you think it's okay with…"

"Fine with me!" Sephiroth piped up, giving Cloud a big wet kiss on the cheek. Vincent's smile widened.

"Apparently it is. Come along, you two."

They left Reno and Rude alone amidst the wreckage of the helicopter. Silence reigned for a long time. Finally, Reno spoke.

"You know, I think it's time I quit the Boy Scouts and became a professional hairdresser. It seems to get people what they want."

"At least it did this time. Don't quit your day job," Rude snarled, "Besides, I'm not paying for the helicopter."

"But…"

"No."

"But…  
"No."

"RU-UUUUUUUUUUDE!"Reno whined. Rude gagged him and…

THE END 


End file.
